So much to say.

There has been a recent "blogversation" on Corrin's blog regarding involuntary singleness, dating, and marriage. The conversation (which did actually start out in person, among a group of single folks eating lunch together after church) was precipitated by a book that some members in our church have been reading, Getting Serious About Getting Married by Debbie Maken. Reading others' comments, I found myself with a lot to say on the topic and rather than hog the comments over at Corrin's, I figured it was time for me to get my own blog.

While I have received many, many blessings in life, I remain single despite having longed to be married for most of my adult years. I have struggled immensely with wondering why, seeking to place "blame" or responsibility... on myself, on God at times. It seemed impossible to reconcile the extended, involuntary singleness which I and so many of my women friends in their late 20's and 30's have experienced, with God's sovereignty, goodness, and mercy. Why would God grant what I believe to be good, righteous desires to marry and nurture a family, and then deliberately withhold the fulfillment of those desires?

Yet through keeping my eyes and ears open around church the last couple of years, I have encountered a lot of people who are hurting in a lot of ways. Many singles experience the pain of being “passed over” or ignored by the opposite gender, or endure the shattered hopes and expectations of broken relationships. Then there are folks suffering through infidelity or divorce; infertility; unemployment; chronic pain; physical disabilities. There are deaths of parents, spouses, children, even infants. Suffering is dangerously close to all of us, and will be until Christ’s return.

I believe that the aloneness and pain of unwanted singleness are not part of God’s design any more than cancer or stillbirths or wars. We continue to experience fallout from The Fall and the ongoing broken state of our world, our culture, our relationships. While He permits singleness to continue indefinitely for some, God does not cause this form of suffering any more than the others.

So back to the original question. For those of us who are single and don't want to be, who or what is to blame if not God or ourselves? The teaching of the church? Our culture's devaluation of marriage? Perceived laziness and immaturity on the part of some Christian men? That's what Mrs. Maken tried to address in her book, but some folks feel her confrontational style merely creates more barriers in the form of defensiveness and as Michelle called it, blameshifting.

Trying to get inside the minds of some of us single women, Bill wrote:

Perhaps the thought patterns look something like this: "Why doesn't he stop being such a coward and ask someone out!" or "If you weren't so limited in your approach to dating and afraid of commitment, maybe you could be married by now!" If this is what my sisters are thinking, much apology and repentance is due on our parts. Perhaps we need to learn how to be more committed. Perhaps we do need a little kick in the seat of the pants.

Guys, consider yourselves kicked in the derrière. ;)

There are simply a lot more women in the church than men, and most of us single women know it. I have so many wonderful sisters in Christ who long to be married and therefore, it is frustrating to know that there are men who also want to be married, but are just delaying the actual “hanging out”/dating/courtship process until sometime “later” in the future. I understand that men may have particular reasons for waiting to pursue a relationship; although in some cases those reasons may loom larger in their own minds than is really necessary. Clearly my sisters and I need to give our brothers the benefit of the doubt... but for how long?

I have no special answers to the big question left hanging by Bill and Corrin, how does a single man pursue his sister in Christ in a godly manner (or even get to the point of knowing that he wants to pursue her)? We are all so cautious, and afraid of hurting or being hurt, and paralyzed by the idea of making a wrong decision; no wonder there is very little casual, friendly dating in our church or The Church. I suspect the solution involves much prayer, seeking wise counsel and accountability, and a leap of faith.

Seeking a relationship does involve real risks; should we be convinced enough of the rewards of marriage, the risks will be infinitely worthwhile. Until then, hopefully this “conversation’’ has helped us to understand one another better. And may we continue to learn to love one another, as brothers and sisters, in a gentle and gracious manner.



Respectfully...