Born to set His people free.

Before we had communion in church on Sunday, my pastor said something about Advent being a time to contemplate our brokenness and need of Christ. That's why we receive communion seated in our pews during Advent (and Lent), to provide for a more quiet, inward-looking experience. I received what he said with relief and gratitude that I actually was not feeling particularly broken or empty; in fact, I was rather content and peaceful, though still acknowledging my deep need for Christ's forgiveness and restoration.

Later that afternoon I went with a group to sing Christmas carols at one of the nearby nursing homes, where a few members of our congregation have a regular Sunday afternoon ministry to the nursing home residents.

Now talk about broken... The nursing home literally smelled like a home perm, from the ammonia of stale urine in adult diapers. And there were other, worse, odors. It was just really hard for me to see the people there as... people. Thankfully, my brothers and sisters in Christ, have better eyes and more strength than me, and go in there each week to love and minister to the residents there. They are bringing the love of Jesus to the sick, the lonely, the demented, the forgotten.

The experience left me feeling very petty and small. And yet Jesus comes at Christmas to all of us, even me, to meet us right where we are... broken. He comes to set us free.

I have been re-reading The Allure of Hope by Jan Meyers this week, and she wrote a wonderful prayer (p. 118-119) which was perfect for this situation:

I hope God will tell His story through me.
I hope my hard heart will soften.
I hope His love shows through me in spite of myself.
I hope my life will make a difference in this weary world, bringing refreshment and life to those without it.
I hope to be surprised as God's glory shows up unexpectedly.
I hope to have eyes to see His kindness and His humor.

Amen.

Bitterness.

As would be evident to anyone reading my blog or talking to me for more than a few minutes, I have really been mired in self-pity and resentment towards God for a long time. I'm tired of living this way, and yet I have felt powerless to change. The idols just won't leap down from their pedestals.

Last month I wrote a paper reviewing the book How Long, O Lord?: Reflections on Suffering and Evil by D.A. Carson, and I found that a delicate balance is needed for me to understand my own life in light of what this book teaches. Perhaps the "suffering" of unwanted singleness is not on the same order as that of people who endure hunger, or persecution, or severe illness or disability. Yet it can produce the same effects. Carson writes: "Pain tends to make people better, or bitter. If we find it developing in us a pattern of bitterness, we are in desperate straits." (p.108)

And here is where I found myself, at the intersection of bitterness and self-pity. I found the book's chapter on Job to be particularly enlightening. "Job wants personal vindication by God himself. He wants God to appear and give an account of what He is doing." (p. 147). Similarly, when undergoing difficulty or trial, we often "assume that God owes us an explanation, that there cannot possibly be any good reason for God not to tell us everything we want to know immediately. [We] assume that God Almighty should be more interested in giving us explanations than in being worshiped and trusted." (p. 152-153).

So I found it humbling to read that "Job's greatest sin may not be something he said or did before the suffering started, but the rebellion he is displaying in the suffering." (p.149-150).

Mine too.

I don't know if the book and the paper just needed time to "marinate" a little bit in my heart, or if someone was really praying for me this week (thank you!). Maybe both. But suddenly this week, I feel as though a burden is starting to lift... as though I really can trust that whatever the future holds, God will be there, and it will be good; as though I really can loosen my death-grip on the dream of marriage and a biological family of my own.

Rather than demanding of God, "What are You going to do for me?"... it's going to be refreshing to ask Him, "What can I do for You?"

Oy.

Can we say overcommitted?

This fall has been an interesting exercise in time management for me. Travelling, 2 Bible studies and a prayer group, class, and oh yeah, work.

Now, just as the madness of The Holidays begins, I feel as though I'm entering a season of (relative) rest. Which means I might actually have time to blog again.

"Soon."

Unexpected.

I said I would save my favorite quote from the book Proper Confidence for another post, so here it is:

“If the place where we look for ultimate truth is in a story and if (as is the case) we are still in the middle of the story, then it follows that we walk by faith and not by sight. If ultimate truth is sought in an idea, a formula, or a set of timeless laws or principles, then we do not have to recognize the possibility that something totally unexpected may happen.” -Proper Confidence, Leslie Newbigen, p.14.

The last 10 or so years in my life have been all about growing my capacity for faith... asking God to enter into situations which seemed hopeless, or at least un-redeemable, and to restore and transform them for His glory. During this time, Hebrews 11-12 has become such a precious passage of Scripture for me. Not only do I have the examples of so many heroes from the past to encourage me, but I am also part of the continuing story He is writing.

Of course, the big plot twist has already happened, oh, 2000 years ago, when the eternal God who created the universe, humbled Himself to take on the flesh of the very creatures who mocked and abandoned and ignored Him.

He made His dwelling among us and died a gory death for me and you.

And the story is not over; the God of the unexpected reigns. I think He loves to catch us unawares with whatever we were not hoping for and didn't even know that we desperately needed.

May our prayers be filled with the joyous expectation that He will act, even if we don't know how, and the confidence that His surprises will be altogether good.

Confessions of a giddy seminary newbie.

So, it's been a busy month or so what with job interviews, out-of-town visitors, and my latest endeavor, going back to school super-part-time. I am only taking one class this semester, but it has been an outstanding learning experience so far and I am loving it!! I suspect that stretching the educational process out (it could be 5 or 6 years for me to earn an M.A., if I persist) will allow me to learn more deeply and for the long-term.

I don't remember taking many courses in college where my ideas or opinion "mattered." My field(s) of study entailed mostly memorization and regurgitation, rather than reflection, synthesis, or (gasp!) original thought. So, needless to say, interacting with the class material and writing reaction-type papers will be challenging, but also encouraging, since the underlying assumption seems to be that I, as an individual, have a unique life experience which actually contributes to the class and to my own learning.

Somehow, I managed to get through my undergraduate education without ever darkening the threshhold of a philosophy class, so I have been at a distinct disadvantage in sharing my faith, as I could be intimidated into silence by the mere mention of Descartes or Kant, or by a question like "What is truth?" or "But how do you know?"

Well, I'm not going to turn into a super-evangelist overnight, but here are some quotes gleaned from the first book we are reading, Proper Confidence by Leslie Newbigen. He summarizes his purpose: “I am writing this book as a missionary who is concerned to commend the truth of the gospel in a culture that has sought for absolute certainty as the ideal of true knowledge but now despairs of the possibility of knowing truth at all, a culture that therefore responds to the Christian story by asking, ‘But how can we know that it is true?’” (p. 93)

On epistemology (how do we know what we know?) and truth:

"There exists no neutral reason that can decide impartially on the truth or falsehood of the Christian gospel.” (p.96)

“If philosophy has to be called in to underpin that knowledge of God which… comes by revelation; if, in other words, the religious experience of those apprenticed to the tradition which has its foundation in the biblical narrative is not in itself a sufficient ground for certainty, so that other, more reliable grounds are to be sought; it follows that those other grounds must be completely reliable. The philosophical proofs for the existence of God must be invulnerable. But they are not.” (p.19)

"...the idea of a certainty which relieves us of the need for personal commitment is an illusion… This illusion is so much part of the accepted worldview of modern societies that it is not easy to separate oneself from it.” (p.46)

“If we are in search of the kind of indubitable certainty which Descartes claimed, the Bible must be set aside… the only possible responses to the claims that the Bible makes are belief or unbelief. There can be no indubitable proofs. There is no scientific way of testing the claims and promises that the Bible makes.” (p.54-55)

“…that we are, so to speak, competent to undertake the search for truth—this has been the unquestioned assumption of modernity.” (p.68)

“…the world which does not acknowledge Jesus…is not as free as it thinks it is. We are not honest inquirers seeking the truth. We are alienated from truth and are enemies of it. We are by nature idolaters, constructing images of truth shaped by our own desires…when Truth became incarnate…our response…was to seek to destroy it.” (p.69)

“Before we continue with our questions, … we have to learn that we are lost and that we have to be rescued.” (p.104)

"...there can be no knowing without personal commitment. We must believe in order to know.” (p. 50)


On science and faith:

“…polarization between objectivity and subjectivity… has led, in turn, to a popular image of science as a realm of objective facts which are quite sanitized of any elements of subjectivity, with the corrollary that all other claims to knowledge… are merely subjective.” (p.22)

“Science combines to deliver an ever-growing abundance of things to have and to do, beyond all the dreams of earlier ages. It offers no guidance, however, on the questions of worth: What things are worth doing? What things are worth having?” (p.47)

“The debate between science and the Christian faith has for too long been overdramatized and radically skewered by those who want to propose science as the replacement for an outworn faith. The time has come when both scientists and theologians must address the question, Can science be redeemed?” (p.64)


On commitment as a Christian:

“The revelation of which we speak in the Christian tradition is more than the communication of information; it ….is also a summons, a call, an invitation. We are invited to commit ourselves and to learn as we go what our role in the whole enterprise is to be. Our commitment is an act of personal faith… There is no insurance against risk.” (p.65-66)

“…the locus of confidence…is not in the competence of our own knowing, but in the faithfulness and reliability of the One who is known.” (p.67)

“Knowing cannot be severed from living and acting, for we cannot know the truth unless we seek it with love and unless our love commits us to action.” (p.105)

“The confidence proper to a Christian is not the confidence of one who claims possession of demonstrable and indubitable knowledge. It is the confidence of one who has heard and answered the call that comes from the God through whom and for whom all things were made: ‘Follow Me.’” (p. 105)


...but my favorite quote of all from this book, shall be saved for another post! Stay tuned.

Pilgrims and Puritans.

Due to several delays and a resulting missed flight connection, today I had the opportunity to read pretty much all of Nathaniel Philbrick's book Mayflower. The book struck me as quite similar to 1776 with lengthy descriptions of battles, marches, cold, near-starvation, etc. But it also helped to fill in a lot for me, as my knowledge of American history kind of skips over from the First Thanksgiving (which according to the book, wasn't even called that) to Paul Revere. It was also fascinating to read about the strength of the Pilgrims' convictions... I wonder how my faith would hold up under similar testing.

Anyway, I give the book one and a half thumbs up for informativeness... though I wish the author would have provided a little more narration about the facts of daily life during the first years in Plymouth (I just got the impression that most people died... maybe that's why not a lot of information is available), and about the Puritans (who founded Boston, as opposed to the Pilgrims, who were at Plymouth) and maybe condensed all the war stuff a bit.

If anyone is interested in borrowing my copy... let me know!

How much longer?

Carolyn McCulley posted a very poignant letter she received (details changed to obscure identities) and her response on her blog today. In the letter, a never-married 39-year-old expresses her pain at having remained single so long, and questions whether she should consider marrying a non-Christian for companionship. "How much longer?" she asks.

Part of the remedy which Carolyn suggests is the fellowship of other believers. Reading this, I am so thankful for the community which God has graciously provided me through my church friends, and other Christian friends. At certain moments we all need encouragement, and God commands us to bear one another's burdens in these times (Gal. 6:2). I am also humbled to realize the power of loneliness to overwhelm us, causing us to rationalize behavior which God forbids. I certainly do not consider myself immune to the temptation this woman is facing.

May God continue to heal us of our pride, our self-pity, our "entitlement" mindset in regards to marriage (or any of His other blessings); and may we continually turn back to Jesus and His finished work on the cross.

Also appropriate to this topic...

This hymn is on the adjacent page in the Trinity Hymnal to one of the hymns we sang in church yesterday ("Be Thou My Vision"). I had never noticed it before. I copied the words down during the offering. (Yes, I know that I am supposed to be using that time to meditate on how I can offer myself to God beyond just writing a check. Anyway.)

How long wilt Thou forget me, O Lord, Thou God of grace?
How long shall fears beset me, while darkness hides Thy face?
How long shall griefs distress me and turn my day to night?
How long shall foes oppress me and triumph in their might?

O Lord my God, behold me, and hear my earnest cries;
Lest sleep of death enfold me, enlighten Thou mine eyes;
Lest now my foe insulting should boast of his success,
And enemies exulting rejoice in my distress.

But I with expectation have on Thy grace relied;
My heart in Thy salvation shall still with joy confide;
And I with voice of singing will praise the Lord above,
Who, richest bounties bringing, has dealt with me in love.

--Arthur Mann, after Psalm 13

Divided loyalties/more on prayer.

My pastor is preaching through the life of Elijah and this past Sunday our sermon was based on 1 Kings 18:16-24:

Elijah went before the people and said, "How long will you waver between two opinions?" If the LORD is God, follow Him; but if Baal is God, follow him."
But the people said nothing.
-1 Kings 18:21

We were challenged in the sermon to identify what are our personal "Baals," and to pray for God's mercy to heal us of our idolatry, our divided loyalties. ("No one can serve two masters" -Matthew 6:24.) My personal idols include the usual stuff: marriage, motherhood, the esteem of non-Christian colleagues and acquaintances, my car (nicknamed "Precious"), having a beautiful home, etc.

Anyway, I "cheated" and read ahead in the story.

Elijah said to the prophets of Baal, "Choose one of the bulls and prepare it first, since there are so many of you. Call on the name of your god, but do not light the fire." So they took the bull given them and prepared it.
Then they called on the name of Baal from morning to noon. "O Baal, answer us!" they shouted. But there was no response; no one answered. And they danced around the altar they had made... Midday passed, and they continued their frantic prophesying until the time for the evening sacrifice. But there was no response, no one answered, no one paid attention.
-1 Kings 18:25-26, 29

Reading this, I was struck not by the fact that the LORD eventually shows up Baal's prophets and vindicates Himself as the true, living God (we knew He would). But I was realized that so often my prayers resemble those of the prophets of Baal. So often I feel as though I need to "pray harder" or show myself to be "more fervent" in order to get His attention. Maybe I think He is "...deep in thought, or busy, or traveling. Maybe he is sleeping and must be awakened?" (1 Kings 18:27)

So to whom am I really praying when I attempt to maniuplate, control, bribe, and bargain with God in this way? To the LORD, or to some made-up Santa Claus who needs continuous reminding of the fact that I'm on the "nice" list and therefore deserve lots of presents?

Hmm.

I'll be very interested to hear what Pastor George has to say on this passage, next week.

Praying Boldly

I have recently felt challenged by a couple of articles I read, concerning prayer and singleness. Candice Watters addresses the "qualifiers" we so often attach to our prayers in regard to marriage, so that in the end they show no trust at all in God's sovereignty or His mercy. Carolyn McCulley describes the experience she has had in a group of women who have dedicated themselves to regular, corporate prayer for God to provide husbands for them (note that Carolyn remains single, but the group has generally seen great "results").

I referred a few days ago, to the work of the Holy Spirit in shaping and growing my faith through my past decade or so of singleness. One means which God has used to sustain and grow my faith has been a wonderful group of Christian sisters, all vaguely connected to my work, who met regularly for prayer and Bible study. Many of the members were single, while a few were married.

One thing which I noticed about our prayers was that, despite our closeness, we tended to refer infrequently to the (prolonged, unwanted) singleness of many of our members. Occasionally, when one or more of us were feeling particularly lonely and despairing, we would ask for prayer concerning our singleness. But quite often, it was left unaddressed, like the proverbial elephant in the room, in deference to prayers for more "urgent" things like family members' health (spiritual or physical), traveling mercies, guidance in career choices.

Many, many of our prayers were answered through the years. Yet all of the women who were single when the group began meeting, remain single. That group has now dissolved for geographic reasons (most of the former members have moved away from St. Louis). So I wonder, did God have some special purpose in keeping me and so many of my friends single for so many years? Or have we brought this on ourselves through our lack of faith, our failure to ask... seek... knock persistently?

On the other hand, where does "praying boldly" end, and "name it and claim it" begin? Does dedicating so much time to praying for husbands, rather than, say, protection for the persecuted church, or world evangelization, or an end to poverty or war or hunger... does that indicate faith, or marriage-idolatry?

I'm still mulling these things over. I think my favorite line from the movie Shadowlands (I have no idea whether C.S. Lewis actually ever said this or not), sums up my understanding of the "working" of prayer: "Prayer doesn't change God. It changes me."

As thy days... so shall His grace be.

Recently I have been reading John Piper's book, Future Grace. As far as I understand so far, his thesis in this book is that our faith and obedience are sustained not by gratitude for God's past grace to us, as though we must pay Him back for our salvation (which we obviously never could do); but by expectation of more, future grace. We trust that He will continue to be our Strength and our Redeemer.

So far, in reflecting on this book, I have been humbled by recognizing how God has cared for me and supplied my needs (especially for companionship), during my years of singleness. While I have read these things in Scripture many times, yet it is good to be reminded once again. Piper writes:

We should not be surprised that God gives us wonderful graces in the midst of suffering that we had asked Him to spare us. He knows best how to apportion His grace for our good and for His glory. (p.69)

Do not think that God is ignorant of your needs. He knows all of them. And He is your "heavenly Father." He does not look on, indifferently, from a distance. He cares. He will act to supply your need when the time is right. (p.58)

A verse to which Piper refers, and which has become particularly precious to me, is Deuteronomy 33:25: "As thy days, so shall thy strength be." So far during my adult years of singleness, God has been teaching me (though I am a slow learner) to to shut out anxiety about all the potential years of loneliness in the future, and to trust Him one day at a time for what I need that day. If I should be married in the future, I expect to this "lesson" will be repeated as I learn what it means to be a faithful wife... one day at a time.

Sometimes in the midst of these afflictions and ordinary stresses of daily life we may cry out, "How long, O Lord? I can't see beyond today's pain. What will tomorrow bring? Will You be there for that affliction too?"...The assurance that He will not delay beyond what we can endure and that He will abolish the flaws we bemoan and that He will establish forever what has tottered so long--that assurance comes from "all grace." God is not the God of some grace--like bygone grace. He is the God of "all grace"--including the infinite, inexhaustible stores for future grace. Faith in that grace is the key to enduring on the narrow and hard way that leads to life. (p.70)

Amen. May we have the faith to know that He will continue to sustain us along the narrow path, whereever that path should lead.

Clothed with strength and dignity.

An article on crosswalk.com caught my eye about a week ago: What Men Really Think About Successful, Independent Women.

:)

Cliff Young writes:

Some women give off the impression that they are so independent that they don’t need anyone else, especially a husband. Many times this may not be the case, but a self-assured personality along with a settled lifestyle of having a home, career, and everything in order can make a man feel as if there’s no place for a man in her life.

Many men end up not pursuing women like this not out of intimidation, but rather out of perceived “ultra-independence” on the woman’s part. According to many single males who I’ve talked with, some women puts out signals, consciously or unconsciously, that they aren’t interested in a relationship. They are fine the way they are, and they don’t need a man in their life – no matter what they may say.

It seems to me that what a man might define as “ultra-independence,” a woman may characterize as “continuing to provide for myself because no one else has volunteered to do it.” Or “using the skills and knowledge that God has blessed me with to help others, since He has not given me a family to be my first priority.”

I’m not trying to be snarky or difficult, but when a woman has gone through college and there is no potential husband on the horizon, what should she do? Move back home, and lie on the couch watching soap operas and Oprah all day, and mooch off of her parents? No, she either enters the work force or goes to graduate school (...and then enters the work force). If she is generally personable, industrious and reliable, she will probably succeed in her job and gain self-confidence (and maybe a promotion or two, and a little extra spending money). Along the way, she may purchase a new car, since she does not have an amateur auto mechanic a husband close at hand, and she needs reliable transportation which will not break down on some dark, lonely road late at night. She may also decide to purchase a home as an investment for her future.

Voilà: the “ultra-independent career woman.”

I do not believe men should ever assume that a Christian woman would prefer career over family unless she has explicitly stated that fact directly to them. Some ultra-conservative commentators would have us believe that women are making a deliberate, feminist choice when we go to graduate school or even college, that we eschew home and family in favor of idolizing our own achievements and independence.

On the contrary, I believe many young women are simply trying to be faithful and "do the next thing" when they further their education or accept a job. While allowing for the wonderful diversity of temperaments and characters that God has blessed us with, in general, women are created by God to be nurturers and "nesters." Many of us treasure the dream of being wives and mothers as our highest aspiration. But meanwhile, we are grateful for the opportunity to serve God in the workplace (whether in Christian service or a secular career). And should the time come that we are married, we would probably be glad to continue working if this were necessary or helpful to provide for our family; or should we make the decision not to work outside the home for pay... we would still be working... harder than ever!

While some of the advice directed to guys in this article seemed very wise; there didn't really seem to be much in the way of concrete suggestions for the "ultra-independent career women" readers to improve our situation. Are we to hold ourselves back, be embarrassed for our successes, hide our accomplishments, take a lower-paying job, play "dumb" all the time?! I don't get it.

(There I go, playing dumb!)

The other thing which bugged me about this article was that there was absolutely no reference to Scripture. Rather, there was a lot of commentary about what single Christian men “tend to” believe and think about women, rather than about what they should be looking for in a wife.

Hmm. I won’t quote it all, but…

A wife of noble character who can find?
She is worth far more than rubies.
Her husband has full confidence in her and lacks nothing of value.
She brings him good, not harm, all the days of her life.
She selects wool and flax, and works with eager hands.
She is like the merchant ships, bringing her food from afar.
She gets up while it is still dark;
she provides food for her family and portions for her servant girls.
She considers a field and buys it;
out of her earnings she plants a vineyard.
She sets about her work vigorously;
her arms are strong for her tasks.
She sees that her trading is profitable,
and her lamp does not go out at night…
She opens her arms to the poor and extends her hands to the needy…
She is clothed with strength and dignity;
she can laugh at the days to come.
She speaks with wisdom, and faithful instruction is on her tongue.
She watches over the affairs of her household,
and does not eat the bread of idleness.
Her children arise and call her blessed;
her husband also, and he praises her:
“Many women do noble things, but you surpass them all.”
Charm is deceptive and beauty is fleeting;
but a woman who fears the LORD is to be praised.
Give her the reward she has earned,
And let her works bring her praise at the city gate.

-Proverbs 31:10-18,20,25-31

So here is my prayer for all of my sisters, whether married or single, whether working outside the home or not... in the church we are all the Bride of Christ. Let us be clothed with strength and dignity, through His mercy and grace.

So gently sustaineth...

Today in church we sang one of my favorite hymns, which speaks for itself:

Praise to the Lord, the Almighty, the King of creation!
O my soul, praise Him, for He is thy health and salvation!
All ye who hear, now to His temple draw near;
Praise Him in glad adoration.

Praise to the Lord, Who over all things so wondrously reigneth,
Shelters thee under His wings, yea, so gently sustaineth!
Hast thou not seen how thy desires ever have been
Granted in what He ordaineth?

Praise to the Lord, Who hath fearfully, wondrously, made thee;
Health hath vouchsafed and, when heedlessly falling, hath stayed thee.
What need or grief ever hath failed of relief?
Wings of His mercy did shade thee.

Praise to the Lord, Who doth prosper thy work and defend thee;
Surely His goodness and mercy here daily attend thee.
Ponder anew what the Almighty can do,
If with His love He befriend thee.

Praise to the Lord, Who, when tempests their warfare are waging,
Who, when the elements madly around thee are raging,
Biddeth them cease, turneth their fury to peace,
Whirlwinds and waters assuaging.

Praise to the Lord, Who, when darkness of sin is abounding,
Who, when the godless do triumph, all virtue confounding,
Sheddeth His light, chaseth the horrors of night,
Saints with His mercy surrounding.

Praise to the Lord, O let all that is in me adore Him!
All that hath life and breath, come now with praises before Him.
Let the Amen sound from His people again,
Gladly for aye we adore Him.

-Joachim Neander, translated from German by Catherine Winkworth

Praying tonight that He continues to "gently sustain" all of my brothers and sisters. We are all in the palm of His hand.

So much to say.

There has been a recent "blogversation" on Corrin's blog regarding involuntary singleness, dating, and marriage. The conversation (which did actually start out in person, among a group of single folks eating lunch together after church) was precipitated by a book that some members in our church have been reading, Getting Serious About Getting Married by Debbie Maken. Reading others' comments, I found myself with a lot to say on the topic and rather than hog the comments over at Corrin's, I figured it was time for me to get my own blog.

While I have received many, many blessings in life, I remain single despite having longed to be married for most of my adult years. I have struggled immensely with wondering why, seeking to place "blame" or responsibility... on myself, on God at times. It seemed impossible to reconcile the extended, involuntary singleness which I and so many of my women friends in their late 20's and 30's have experienced, with God's sovereignty, goodness, and mercy. Why would God grant what I believe to be good, righteous desires to marry and nurture a family, and then deliberately withhold the fulfillment of those desires?

Yet through keeping my eyes and ears open around church the last couple of years, I have encountered a lot of people who are hurting in a lot of ways. Many singles experience the pain of being “passed over” or ignored by the opposite gender, or endure the shattered hopes and expectations of broken relationships. Then there are folks suffering through infidelity or divorce; infertility; unemployment; chronic pain; physical disabilities. There are deaths of parents, spouses, children, even infants. Suffering is dangerously close to all of us, and will be until Christ’s return.

I believe that the aloneness and pain of unwanted singleness are not part of God’s design any more than cancer or stillbirths or wars. We continue to experience fallout from The Fall and the ongoing broken state of our world, our culture, our relationships. While He permits singleness to continue indefinitely for some, God does not cause this form of suffering any more than the others.

So back to the original question. For those of us who are single and don't want to be, who or what is to blame if not God or ourselves? The teaching of the church? Our culture's devaluation of marriage? Perceived laziness and immaturity on the part of some Christian men? That's what Mrs. Maken tried to address in her book, but some folks feel her confrontational style merely creates more barriers in the form of defensiveness and as Michelle called it, blameshifting.

Trying to get inside the minds of some of us single women, Bill wrote:

Perhaps the thought patterns look something like this: "Why doesn't he stop being such a coward and ask someone out!" or "If you weren't so limited in your approach to dating and afraid of commitment, maybe you could be married by now!" If this is what my sisters are thinking, much apology and repentance is due on our parts. Perhaps we need to learn how to be more committed. Perhaps we do need a little kick in the seat of the pants.

Guys, consider yourselves kicked in the derrière. ;)

There are simply a lot more women in the church than men, and most of us single women know it. I have so many wonderful sisters in Christ who long to be married and therefore, it is frustrating to know that there are men who also want to be married, but are just delaying the actual “hanging out”/dating/courtship process until sometime “later” in the future. I understand that men may have particular reasons for waiting to pursue a relationship; although in some cases those reasons may loom larger in their own minds than is really necessary. Clearly my sisters and I need to give our brothers the benefit of the doubt... but for how long?

I have no special answers to the big question left hanging by Bill and Corrin, how does a single man pursue his sister in Christ in a godly manner (or even get to the point of knowing that he wants to pursue her)? We are all so cautious, and afraid of hurting or being hurt, and paralyzed by the idea of making a wrong decision; no wonder there is very little casual, friendly dating in our church or The Church. I suspect the solution involves much prayer, seeking wise counsel and accountability, and a leap of faith.

Seeking a relationship does involve real risks; should we be convinced enough of the rewards of marriage, the risks will be infinitely worthwhile. Until then, hopefully this “conversation’’ has helped us to understand one another better. And may we continue to learn to love one another, as brothers and sisters, in a gentle and gracious manner.



Respectfully...