Praying Boldly

I have recently felt challenged by a couple of articles I read, concerning prayer and singleness. Candice Watters addresses the "qualifiers" we so often attach to our prayers in regard to marriage, so that in the end they show no trust at all in God's sovereignty or His mercy. Carolyn McCulley describes the experience she has had in a group of women who have dedicated themselves to regular, corporate prayer for God to provide husbands for them (note that Carolyn remains single, but the group has generally seen great "results").

I referred a few days ago, to the work of the Holy Spirit in shaping and growing my faith through my past decade or so of singleness. One means which God has used to sustain and grow my faith has been a wonderful group of Christian sisters, all vaguely connected to my work, who met regularly for prayer and Bible study. Many of the members were single, while a few were married.

One thing which I noticed about our prayers was that, despite our closeness, we tended to refer infrequently to the (prolonged, unwanted) singleness of many of our members. Occasionally, when one or more of us were feeling particularly lonely and despairing, we would ask for prayer concerning our singleness. But quite often, it was left unaddressed, like the proverbial elephant in the room, in deference to prayers for more "urgent" things like family members' health (spiritual or physical), traveling mercies, guidance in career choices.

Many, many of our prayers were answered through the years. Yet all of the women who were single when the group began meeting, remain single. That group has now dissolved for geographic reasons (most of the former members have moved away from St. Louis). So I wonder, did God have some special purpose in keeping me and so many of my friends single for so many years? Or have we brought this on ourselves through our lack of faith, our failure to ask... seek... knock persistently?

On the other hand, where does "praying boldly" end, and "name it and claim it" begin? Does dedicating so much time to praying for husbands, rather than, say, protection for the persecuted church, or world evangelization, or an end to poverty or war or hunger... does that indicate faith, or marriage-idolatry?

I'm still mulling these things over. I think my favorite line from the movie Shadowlands (I have no idea whether C.S. Lewis actually ever said this or not), sums up my understanding of the "working" of prayer: "Prayer doesn't change God. It changes me."

As thy days... so shall His grace be.

Recently I have been reading John Piper's book, Future Grace. As far as I understand so far, his thesis in this book is that our faith and obedience are sustained not by gratitude for God's past grace to us, as though we must pay Him back for our salvation (which we obviously never could do); but by expectation of more, future grace. We trust that He will continue to be our Strength and our Redeemer.

So far, in reflecting on this book, I have been humbled by recognizing how God has cared for me and supplied my needs (especially for companionship), during my years of singleness. While I have read these things in Scripture many times, yet it is good to be reminded once again. Piper writes:

We should not be surprised that God gives us wonderful graces in the midst of suffering that we had asked Him to spare us. He knows best how to apportion His grace for our good and for His glory. (p.69)

Do not think that God is ignorant of your needs. He knows all of them. And He is your "heavenly Father." He does not look on, indifferently, from a distance. He cares. He will act to supply your need when the time is right. (p.58)

A verse to which Piper refers, and which has become particularly precious to me, is Deuteronomy 33:25: "As thy days, so shall thy strength be." So far during my adult years of singleness, God has been teaching me (though I am a slow learner) to to shut out anxiety about all the potential years of loneliness in the future, and to trust Him one day at a time for what I need that day. If I should be married in the future, I expect to this "lesson" will be repeated as I learn what it means to be a faithful wife... one day at a time.

Sometimes in the midst of these afflictions and ordinary stresses of daily life we may cry out, "How long, O Lord? I can't see beyond today's pain. What will tomorrow bring? Will You be there for that affliction too?"...The assurance that He will not delay beyond what we can endure and that He will abolish the flaws we bemoan and that He will establish forever what has tottered so long--that assurance comes from "all grace." God is not the God of some grace--like bygone grace. He is the God of "all grace"--including the infinite, inexhaustible stores for future grace. Faith in that grace is the key to enduring on the narrow and hard way that leads to life. (p.70)

Amen. May we have the faith to know that He will continue to sustain us along the narrow path, whereever that path should lead.

Clothed with strength and dignity.

An article on crosswalk.com caught my eye about a week ago: What Men Really Think About Successful, Independent Women.

:)

Cliff Young writes:

Some women give off the impression that they are so independent that they don’t need anyone else, especially a husband. Many times this may not be the case, but a self-assured personality along with a settled lifestyle of having a home, career, and everything in order can make a man feel as if there’s no place for a man in her life.

Many men end up not pursuing women like this not out of intimidation, but rather out of perceived “ultra-independence” on the woman’s part. According to many single males who I’ve talked with, some women puts out signals, consciously or unconsciously, that they aren’t interested in a relationship. They are fine the way they are, and they don’t need a man in their life – no matter what they may say.

It seems to me that what a man might define as “ultra-independence,” a woman may characterize as “continuing to provide for myself because no one else has volunteered to do it.” Or “using the skills and knowledge that God has blessed me with to help others, since He has not given me a family to be my first priority.”

I’m not trying to be snarky or difficult, but when a woman has gone through college and there is no potential husband on the horizon, what should she do? Move back home, and lie on the couch watching soap operas and Oprah all day, and mooch off of her parents? No, she either enters the work force or goes to graduate school (...and then enters the work force). If she is generally personable, industrious and reliable, she will probably succeed in her job and gain self-confidence (and maybe a promotion or two, and a little extra spending money). Along the way, she may purchase a new car, since she does not have an amateur auto mechanic a husband close at hand, and she needs reliable transportation which will not break down on some dark, lonely road late at night. She may also decide to purchase a home as an investment for her future.

Voilà: the “ultra-independent career woman.”

I do not believe men should ever assume that a Christian woman would prefer career over family unless she has explicitly stated that fact directly to them. Some ultra-conservative commentators would have us believe that women are making a deliberate, feminist choice when we go to graduate school or even college, that we eschew home and family in favor of idolizing our own achievements and independence.

On the contrary, I believe many young women are simply trying to be faithful and "do the next thing" when they further their education or accept a job. While allowing for the wonderful diversity of temperaments and characters that God has blessed us with, in general, women are created by God to be nurturers and "nesters." Many of us treasure the dream of being wives and mothers as our highest aspiration. But meanwhile, we are grateful for the opportunity to serve God in the workplace (whether in Christian service or a secular career). And should the time come that we are married, we would probably be glad to continue working if this were necessary or helpful to provide for our family; or should we make the decision not to work outside the home for pay... we would still be working... harder than ever!

While some of the advice directed to guys in this article seemed very wise; there didn't really seem to be much in the way of concrete suggestions for the "ultra-independent career women" readers to improve our situation. Are we to hold ourselves back, be embarrassed for our successes, hide our accomplishments, take a lower-paying job, play "dumb" all the time?! I don't get it.

(There I go, playing dumb!)

The other thing which bugged me about this article was that there was absolutely no reference to Scripture. Rather, there was a lot of commentary about what single Christian men “tend to” believe and think about women, rather than about what they should be looking for in a wife.

Hmm. I won’t quote it all, but…

A wife of noble character who can find?
She is worth far more than rubies.
Her husband has full confidence in her and lacks nothing of value.
She brings him good, not harm, all the days of her life.
She selects wool and flax, and works with eager hands.
She is like the merchant ships, bringing her food from afar.
She gets up while it is still dark;
she provides food for her family and portions for her servant girls.
She considers a field and buys it;
out of her earnings she plants a vineyard.
She sets about her work vigorously;
her arms are strong for her tasks.
She sees that her trading is profitable,
and her lamp does not go out at night…
She opens her arms to the poor and extends her hands to the needy…
She is clothed with strength and dignity;
she can laugh at the days to come.
She speaks with wisdom, and faithful instruction is on her tongue.
She watches over the affairs of her household,
and does not eat the bread of idleness.
Her children arise and call her blessed;
her husband also, and he praises her:
“Many women do noble things, but you surpass them all.”
Charm is deceptive and beauty is fleeting;
but a woman who fears the LORD is to be praised.
Give her the reward she has earned,
And let her works bring her praise at the city gate.

-Proverbs 31:10-18,20,25-31

So here is my prayer for all of my sisters, whether married or single, whether working outside the home or not... in the church we are all the Bride of Christ. Let us be clothed with strength and dignity, through His mercy and grace.

So gently sustaineth...

Today in church we sang one of my favorite hymns, which speaks for itself:

Praise to the Lord, the Almighty, the King of creation!
O my soul, praise Him, for He is thy health and salvation!
All ye who hear, now to His temple draw near;
Praise Him in glad adoration.

Praise to the Lord, Who over all things so wondrously reigneth,
Shelters thee under His wings, yea, so gently sustaineth!
Hast thou not seen how thy desires ever have been
Granted in what He ordaineth?

Praise to the Lord, Who hath fearfully, wondrously, made thee;
Health hath vouchsafed and, when heedlessly falling, hath stayed thee.
What need or grief ever hath failed of relief?
Wings of His mercy did shade thee.

Praise to the Lord, Who doth prosper thy work and defend thee;
Surely His goodness and mercy here daily attend thee.
Ponder anew what the Almighty can do,
If with His love He befriend thee.

Praise to the Lord, Who, when tempests their warfare are waging,
Who, when the elements madly around thee are raging,
Biddeth them cease, turneth their fury to peace,
Whirlwinds and waters assuaging.

Praise to the Lord, Who, when darkness of sin is abounding,
Who, when the godless do triumph, all virtue confounding,
Sheddeth His light, chaseth the horrors of night,
Saints with His mercy surrounding.

Praise to the Lord, O let all that is in me adore Him!
All that hath life and breath, come now with praises before Him.
Let the Amen sound from His people again,
Gladly for aye we adore Him.

-Joachim Neander, translated from German by Catherine Winkworth

Praying tonight that He continues to "gently sustain" all of my brothers and sisters. We are all in the palm of His hand.

So much to say.

There has been a recent "blogversation" on Corrin's blog regarding involuntary singleness, dating, and marriage. The conversation (which did actually start out in person, among a group of single folks eating lunch together after church) was precipitated by a book that some members in our church have been reading, Getting Serious About Getting Married by Debbie Maken. Reading others' comments, I found myself with a lot to say on the topic and rather than hog the comments over at Corrin's, I figured it was time for me to get my own blog.

While I have received many, many blessings in life, I remain single despite having longed to be married for most of my adult years. I have struggled immensely with wondering why, seeking to place "blame" or responsibility... on myself, on God at times. It seemed impossible to reconcile the extended, involuntary singleness which I and so many of my women friends in their late 20's and 30's have experienced, with God's sovereignty, goodness, and mercy. Why would God grant what I believe to be good, righteous desires to marry and nurture a family, and then deliberately withhold the fulfillment of those desires?

Yet through keeping my eyes and ears open around church the last couple of years, I have encountered a lot of people who are hurting in a lot of ways. Many singles experience the pain of being “passed over” or ignored by the opposite gender, or endure the shattered hopes and expectations of broken relationships. Then there are folks suffering through infidelity or divorce; infertility; unemployment; chronic pain; physical disabilities. There are deaths of parents, spouses, children, even infants. Suffering is dangerously close to all of us, and will be until Christ’s return.

I believe that the aloneness and pain of unwanted singleness are not part of God’s design any more than cancer or stillbirths or wars. We continue to experience fallout from The Fall and the ongoing broken state of our world, our culture, our relationships. While He permits singleness to continue indefinitely for some, God does not cause this form of suffering any more than the others.

So back to the original question. For those of us who are single and don't want to be, who or what is to blame if not God or ourselves? The teaching of the church? Our culture's devaluation of marriage? Perceived laziness and immaturity on the part of some Christian men? That's what Mrs. Maken tried to address in her book, but some folks feel her confrontational style merely creates more barriers in the form of defensiveness and as Michelle called it, blameshifting.

Trying to get inside the minds of some of us single women, Bill wrote:

Perhaps the thought patterns look something like this: "Why doesn't he stop being such a coward and ask someone out!" or "If you weren't so limited in your approach to dating and afraid of commitment, maybe you could be married by now!" If this is what my sisters are thinking, much apology and repentance is due on our parts. Perhaps we need to learn how to be more committed. Perhaps we do need a little kick in the seat of the pants.

Guys, consider yourselves kicked in the derrière. ;)

There are simply a lot more women in the church than men, and most of us single women know it. I have so many wonderful sisters in Christ who long to be married and therefore, it is frustrating to know that there are men who also want to be married, but are just delaying the actual “hanging out”/dating/courtship process until sometime “later” in the future. I understand that men may have particular reasons for waiting to pursue a relationship; although in some cases those reasons may loom larger in their own minds than is really necessary. Clearly my sisters and I need to give our brothers the benefit of the doubt... but for how long?

I have no special answers to the big question left hanging by Bill and Corrin, how does a single man pursue his sister in Christ in a godly manner (or even get to the point of knowing that he wants to pursue her)? We are all so cautious, and afraid of hurting or being hurt, and paralyzed by the idea of making a wrong decision; no wonder there is very little casual, friendly dating in our church or The Church. I suspect the solution involves much prayer, seeking wise counsel and accountability, and a leap of faith.

Seeking a relationship does involve real risks; should we be convinced enough of the rewards of marriage, the risks will be infinitely worthwhile. Until then, hopefully this “conversation’’ has helped us to understand one another better. And may we continue to learn to love one another, as brothers and sisters, in a gentle and gracious manner.



Respectfully...